Sabotage + Subterfuge = Sabotuge

Yup, you read that correctly.  Sabotuge  ("sab-o-tooj").  I spent the better part of this weekend doing everything I could to undermine and reverse all of the good work I've done so far with my weight loss:

• Eating whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted

(It wasn't this bad.  But it was bad enough.)

• Eating in secret

(I'd like to one day cancel my membership permanently.)

• Hiding goodies I wanted all to myself

Keeping my secret stash in the sock drawer?  Geez, I'd never think to look THERE.

• Not journaling what I ate

(Exactly why I didn't write anything down.  Didn't want to know the reality.)

• No formal exercise and limited activity

(Yup...this pretty much says it all.)

• Allowing myself to listen to (and believe) the self-loathing voice in my head

• Comparing myself to others

(Teddy knew what he was talkin' about.)

• Having an "F"-it  attitude

These are the ingredients for a downward spiral of out of control eating.  What was the trigger?  Who freakin' knows.  All I know is it had a hold of me.

I fell down that slippery slope and wallowed in that hollow, pitiful place.  It's what I know best.  I chalk it up to being imperfect, being human, being a compulsive overeater, wishing I was "normal" and didn't have such a sucky relationship with food.  I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, and wanted to crawl under a bag.

Today, though, I'm doing better.  I went to the gym this morning and ran for 75 minutes.  Had a good breakfast, balancing protein, simple carbs and healthy fat.  Today's a new day, and I need to be back in the saddle.  I'm climbing up on that horsey again.  

So that's where I'm at.  I dare not get on the scale to see what damage I've done; I'll wait until Friday for weigh-in.  I most likely can turn it around by then.  Hmmm...just checked my journal; I have only 5 points left until bedtime.  Yikes.  Guess I'm going to be eating a crap-load of veggies and fruit for dinner.

QUESTION:  What kind of behaviors do you use to sabotuge yourself?  And what do you do to snap out of it?

All images courtesy of Google Images unless otherwise noted.

(c) Robyn M. Posson 2012

Excuse me! May I (not) have your attention, please?

When I was physically obese, I did everything in my power to make myself invisible.  I wore black and navy blue most of the time, kept my mouth shut and stayed in the background so as not to draw anyone's attention.

Most of the time, it worked.  Other times, I was bullied, and a self-inflicted feeding-frenzy would ensue.  I was subjected to an awful, crazy, maelstrom that jostled me around and bruised me emotionally and psychologically.  I was sabotaging because I was scared to death.  I was a complete mess.


Soon after my WLS, and weight came off very quickly, I found myself still eager to blend into the wallpaper...but none of my old tried-and-true strategies worked anymore.  People noticed that I looked different.  Better.  Prettier.  Sexier.  Date-able.

Can you say uh-oh?

I had not been the recipient of that kind of attention in over twenty years, and emotionally, I felt like an inexperienced, scared (yet curious and titillated) 13-year-old girl in a 45-year-old woman's body.  I waffled between not wanting anyone to notice and relishing the extra attention.  I wanted a boyfriend, but needed to prepare myself for it.


(Anyone currently in this predicament or been there/done that?) 

Yes, I believe that would be me.

This is what I did to gain control over my life and prepare to date again: 

Love notes to yourself.

Put a sticky-note on every mirror in the house with positive affirmations ("Keep it up...you're doing great!"  "Damn, you're smart!"  "Hey, there, stone-cold fox!"  "You are beautiful inside and out," etc.) and say them out loud every time you see them.  You're to "lather-rinse-repeat" until you actually believe what the notes say.
 

No truer words were written.

Write down all of your positive qualities, and don't be shy about it.  List absolutely everything you like and love about yourself, and take as much time you need with this exercise.  Examples are:  cat lover, beautiful hair, smart, loves kids, volunteers in the community, good listener, kind, organized, etc.  This list works to help boost your self-confidence.


Assess your life in terms of personal satisfaction, education, career, social activities, financial security, health, family and social relationships, etc.  This exercise will take a good amount of time, if you do it correctly.  Doing so will clarify those areas which are strong and stable, and those that need some shoring up.  You can't expect to have a healthy relationship with someone else if your life is crumbling around you.  The goal is this:  When you know that your life is satisfying and peaceful, you don't "need" but want a partner, and you can easily support yourself for the rest of your life and be okay with living single if you had to, that's the time to put yourself in the dating world.  Not before.

You are not limited to only 10 items

Make a laundry list of required qualities you seek in a partner.  This list must include every non-negotiable quality in your potential partner, such as "non-smoker, gainfully employed, curly hair, speaks about other women respectfully," etc.  It doesn't have to be done all in one sitting; as you think of other positive characteristics you seek, add to the list.  Dream BIG.  Be specific.  You deserve absolutely everything you want and require from your future partner.

He 'da man!

 Read Steve Harvey's book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.   It clearly explains how men operate in terms of relationships, and personally, this book changed my mindset forever.  It's a great book to refer to regularly to keep you focused on what you want and need, especially when you meet a cutie who wants your "cookie" before the 90 days are up.  (Read it and you'll get what I mean.)

It should be obvious the purpose for these exercises is 1) learning to love yourself, 2) be emotionally, socially and financially self-sufficient, and 3) know exactly what you want--and what you will not tolerate--in your current and future relationships.  These are absolute musts to get you to your most Fabulous Self and the life you always wanted and deserve.


You'll then be ready to handle and appreciate all that attention coming your way, you Gorgeous Diva!

(c) Robyn M. Posson 2012.  All Rights Reserved.

Tool 5: Commitment to Counseling





The Diva's shabby pink toolbox



No, I do not have a sofa in my office.
If I did, I'd be taking midday naps on it.
[Boss would not be pleased.]


Many years ago, when I was a relatively new counselor, a client came into my office and immediately asked, "Where's the couch?"  I laughed and replied, "In my living room!"  While this was certainly a fine way to "break the ice," so to speak, it reminded me that there are a lot of people who--through no fault of their own--have no idea what counseling is really all about.

There are so many negative stereotypes and misconceptions associated with counseling--most of which can be attributed to the media's skewed, overdramatized portrayals.  Many people believe seeking counseling means one is weak and a coward, or that they're "looney-toons." 

Counseling isn't magical or something to be feared.  It is a safe, essential tool to get at the emotional and psychological reasons we became overweight and obese.  The mind-gut connection is one that needs to be explored so we can learn how to rewire it. 

So to dispel some myths and inform you of what REALLY goes on behind the closed doors of a session, allow me to explain what counseling is and what it is not:

• Counseling is basically a conversation between two people.

Counseling focuses on helping a person to identify the change they would like to make in their life, identify their strengths and resources, recognize the things that may be holding them back, and collaborate on the potential ways in which the person can make change happen.



Image:  Google Images

• Counseling is not a place that people go to find out if they're "crazy." 

It's an opportunity in which to get support when the world seems crazy.  It might interest you to know that in the last 13 years, I've never met a crazy person (for realz)...only people who were scared, in pain, grieving or confused about what to do next.  That's not crazy...that's human.

The New Yorker

• Counseling is not an activity where an expert "analyzes" the client or gives a diagnosis for a mental illness.

It's instead an opportunity for the counselor and client work as a team to make positive changes in the person's approach to life.

• Counseling is not a crutch for weak people. 

Rather, it is for strong people who decide that they want to feel better and live a more fulfilling life.  These are people who choose to face their challenges directly, rather than avoiding, being frightened or using escape strategies to deal with difficulties (for example, food addiction).  It takes courage to hope for doing something different and better than the coping skills we've used that haven't worked.




Counseling can help you to:

• understand the problem
• decide what's important to you
• come up with ideas about what to do next
• put your feelings and needs into words
• find your own strengths and identify other supportive resources
• recognize beliefs, habits and attitudes that may be hurting you or holding you back
• see things from a new perspective
• make the changes you want to make

A commitment to learning how to have a healthy relationship with food is an essential tool for lifelong weight loss and maintenance.  Hopefully I've offered a better understanding of counseling, debunked some of the myths and deflated any fears associated with it. 

Now that you know the truth, make a commitment to taking care of your emotional self by setting up a counseling appointment today.

 QUESTION:  What are some of the misconceptions you've had about counseling?

(c) Robyn M. Posson 2012. All Rights Reserved.

Gaps in aftercare...and perfection

Yup...that's what I told everyone.

As a highly-competitive, perfection-driven person, I decided that after WLS surgery I would be the model patient.  For 7 years, I was the perfect post-op--I followed the program to a t, and convinced myself that I had overcome every demon that could potentially get in my way of success.  I lost 100% of my excess weight (which is almost unheard of), went for blood work religiously, met regularly with my nutritionist, had a yearly bone scan, facilitated a WLS support group--the whole nine yards.  I sustained the 100-pound weight loss and was the epitome of success.  My surgeon was delighted with the results, and other pre- and post-ops admired my dedication and marveled at how well I was doing and how great I looked. 

What I told myself.

But it was all a big freakin' lie.  Holding up that facade of perfection was exhausting to sustain.  Worse, I felt like a phony because inside I was an absolute mess.  I didn't feel as good as I looked.  Food scared the shit outta me.  There was a huge hole in my heart from deceiving everyone.  I felt guilty and ashamed that I really didn't have it all together, yet wouldn't dream of scarring my perfect persona by seeking help from my surgeon. 

I floundered with my eating plan.  Stopped going to the gym.  Took no pride in the progress I had made.  I'd had enough.  So, in my typical black-and-white stinkin' thinkin', I walked away from the program, and in two years I gained back 30 pounds.  I suffered miserably.  Turns out I wasn't so damned perfect after all. 

I've since taken charge again by inviting healthy structure and genuineness into my life.  In hindsight, fear and insecurity kept me from not seeking care for my psychological and emotional self at the get-go.  (You'd think I'd have known that, being a therapist and all.)  I'm currently in counseling with an awesome psychiatric nurse practitioner, and I definitely feel better and more genuine.  

Attending weekly support meetings at Weight Watchers are a great help (this week I've gone three times), but instead of being the "resident expert" or "know-it-all go-to person," I'm in the trenches with my fellow WW members.  I learn much from them and am comforted in knowing that I'm not alone in this struggle.  I no longer feel like an army of one.   

WLS aftercare programs have a ginormous gap of not providing and requiring counseling support.  My bariatric program's suggestion for addressing post-op emotional issues was for me to hire a private therapist (because the program didn't have one on staff) and regular attendance at a support group.  Well, good luck with that.  I met with a few counselors who specialized in eating disorders, but knew very little (if anything) about the unique challenges to expect after WLS surgery incisions heal.  I felt alone, abandoned and misunderstood.
   

In my geographic area (and nationwide, I suspect), there's an unmet need for counseling services with a bariatrics professional as part of WLS programs.  That said, I want to start a private practice dedicated solely to WLS post-ops who struggle with the psychological, emotional and social aspects of living in a smaller body, who need to address the reasons they became obese in the first place, and who white-knuckle it daily when it comes to food.  Hope to close the gap just a tad in my little corner of the world.

See, I feel for those folks, because I walk the walk with them.  Supporting my WLS peers will help me in my imperfect-but-do-able journey, too.  Can't wait to hang my shingle. 

My dream.

(c) Robyn M. Posson 2012.  All Rights Reserved.

Marathon Diva

This is a four-letter word.

At the risk of stating the obvious, diets don't work.  Ever.  Period. 

Being on a diet is like running a race with a finish line.  The runner trains by reducing calorie intake, eating only certain foods, eliminating others altogether, and exercising to excess.  At the race, she sprints as fast as humanly possible, crosses the finish line, and then collapses with exhaustion and relief that it's over.

 

Goal met!  Wearing a smaller size!  Woot woot!  Unfortunately, since she's only trained for the short run, she relapses into unhealthy behaviors...until she decides to train for another race, that is, and the vicious cycle continues.  It's no surprise that this kind of restrictive regimen is extremely unhealthy, unbalanced, unsuccessful and one which cannot be sustained.

Say it with me, Divas!

Another runner decides to get in a race, too.  This person has made a commitment to make lifelong changes with eating, exercise and personal peace and balance.  She is mentally prepared with a "progress, not perfection" mindset.  Determined, she tackles one task at a time and begins to walk slowly.  With each new behavior and cognitive improvement, the runner progresses from walking faster to jogging at a pace that is sustainable.  She's running towards good health. 

She has a solid plan to deal with falling off course (she is human, after all):  Get up, put the stumble behind her, get back in the groove, and continue to move forward.  Soon, with practice, the run becomes a healthy lifestyle which sustains her between those occasional stumbles.  Best of all, she is proud of herself for the progress she makes every day, and actually enjoys how good it feels to be running a marathon...one with no finish line.

Anyone care to join me in the long run?

(c) Robyn Posson 2012