Tool 4: Accountability to Relationships



Photo:  isabellang.blogspot.com

Good relationships are built on mutual trust, respect, care, kindness and support.  In other words, the "Golden Rule" in action.  However, most difficulties between people stem from the same problem:  One person trying to change another.

There's a saying that I use all the time; one you will hear over and over again in this blog.  "The only person you can control is yourself."

You're the boss of you only.

So at the risk of sounding like a broken record, this concept is one we all need to hear repeatedly, wrap our minds around, and behave accordingly. 

We need to be accountable to what we contribute to relationships.  What does this mean?  You are the boss of you, and you only.  You're responsible for how you treat others.  You get to decide how you will be treated--with kindness, respect, and compassion. 

Unfortunately, there are times when we have to teach the people around us how.  If you don't let the other person know immediately you will not tolerate being disrespected, abused, etc., he/she will assume you approve of that kind of treatment, and the unwanted behaviors will continue.  It's human nature to do so. 

Love me some Tina Fey!

See, we divas get to set the rules about what we feel is appropriate behavior.  Decide what your "deal makers and deal breakers" are, and stick to them.  In fact, writing down the rules will remind you, should you start to waver.  Remember that your partner/parent/friend/co-worker/stranger on the street must follow all of the rules.  Every.day.

For example, say this is your list of requirements of how you expect to be treated by other people:
1.  No name calling
2.  No abuse of any kind (physical, emotional, financial, etc.)
3.  No yelling, screaming or threats
4.  Respect for you and your belongings
5.  Disagreements will be handled calmly, both parties will be heard and a mutual compromise will be established.

You're with a person whom you love very much.  S/he consistently follows rules 2 through 5, but calls you names that embarrass or make you sad or angry. 

According to your list, that's a deal breaker.  Confront the unwanted behavior and ask him/her to stop.  If s/he apologizes and stops calling you names, you got what you asked for. 

However, if the behavior doesn't change with specific instructions from you, then s/he clearly doesn't value or respect you and your requirements.  You are then faced with the decision of whether the relationship is worth investing any more of your precious time and energy.  Which.is.damn.hard. (More on this later.)

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Accountability to your relationships is one more tool to get you to a healthier, happier life.  You will feel more in control of how you allow others to behave in their interactions with you.  And feeling in charge of this will help you to feel the same in other areas of your life.







QUESTION:  Are you being treated the way you deserve? What are your rules?  


(c) Robyn M. Posson 2012. All Rights Reserved.